ATC: “N123YZ, say altitude.”
ATC: “N123YZ, say airspeed.”
ATC: “N123YZ, say cancel IFR.”
N123YZ: “Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated
A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: “Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?”
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet.”
D5: “Same position, same altitude.”
ATC (cool, dry voice): “So should I go get my collision report form?”
Tower: “Aircraft on final, go around, there’s an aircraft on the runway!”
Pilot Trainee: “Roger” (pilot continues approach)
Tower: “Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!”!
Pilot Trainee: “Roger”
The trainee doesn’t react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
Tower: “Mission 123, do you have problems?”
Pilot: “I think, I have lost my compass.”
Tower: “Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!”
Controller: “CRX600, are you on course to SUL?”
Pilot: “More or less.”
Controller: “So proceed a little bit more to SUL.”
Pilot: “Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.”
Tower: “KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.”
Pilot: “Please confirm: two hours delay?”
Pilot: “In that case, cancel the good morning!”
A motor-glider being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.
Control: You’re unreadable, say again.
Us: I’ve turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g pause
Unknown Aircraft: “I’m too bored!”.
Air Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!”
Unknown Aircraft: “I said I was bored, not stupid!”
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
Pilot: “Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000′ and 40 DME.”
Approach: “Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000′.”
Pilot: “Approach, 202’s unable that descent rate.”
Approach: “What’s the matter 202? Don’t you have speed brakes?”
Pilot: “Yup. But they’re for my mistakes. Not yours.”
Tower: “…and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centre-line on that approach.”
Speedbird: “That’s correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right”
Controller: “USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Centre 135.60.
Controller: “USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60!”
Controller: “USA353 you’re just like my wife you never listen!”
Pilot: “Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you’d get a better response!”
Pilot: “Approach, Federated 303’s with at 8000′ for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: “Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service.”
Pilot: “We’ll take the VOR then.”
Approach: “Sir, the VOR’s in alarm right now. Standby.”
Pilot: “OK, guess it’ll have to be the ADF then.”
Approach: “303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation.”
Pilot: “OK, approach. State my intentions.”
Controller: “FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?”
Pilot: “A340 of course!”
Controller: “Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?”
Questions via the radio should not always be answered exactly.
Tower: Aircraft in holding pattern, say fuel state?
Aircraft: Fuel state
Tower: Say again?
After this the tower controller switches off his radio and climbs down the stairs to drink coffee the rest of the afternoon.
It seems that it was a very busy day and a “good ol’ boy” American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this…
Tower: “AF1733, You’re on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.”
AF1733: “Rog-O, Frankfurt. We’re bringin’ this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya.”
Tower (a few minutes later): “AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.”
AF1733: “AF thirty-three reinin’ this here bird back further to 110 knots”
Tower: “AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots”
AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): “Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!”
Tower (without the slightest hesitation): “No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.”
Heard from the radio at EFHK (Helsinki, Finland)
A MD-80 was holding short of runway 22 during the rush-hour.
Tower: “XXX123, are you ready for immediate?`”
Tower: “XXX123, roger, cleared for IMMEDIATE takeoff runway 22, wind XXX at XX.”
XXX123: “cleared for immediate 22.”
So the MD-80 taxies to a position and stops…
Tower: “XXX123, you’re going or not??”
XXX123: “Yes yes, we’re going in a moment.”
Tower: “If you would had rear-view mirrors in that plane of yours, you would’ve taken off five minutes ago!”
ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked – all are working
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
Tower: 95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
Tower: 95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
Tower: 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read “Elevation 675 feet” on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.
Tower: 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.
7MA: Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers.
HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing.
7MA: We’re a Cessna 182.
HYA: Negative, say type landing.
7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform.
HYA: 7MA, I say again, say type landing.
7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope.
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh… approach, we’re a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!
Korean Air 1234 : “Please say runway and brake situation”.
Auckland Tower : “Previously landed Beech twin prop reported half an inch of standing water on runway, no report on braking effectiveness as brakes not required”.
Korean Air 1234 : “Ehhh… Say again…”.
Auckland Tower : “Previously landed aircraft says did not need to use brakes, ten to fifteen millimetre deep water on runway”.
Korean Air 1234 : “Ah ! Thank you !”.
O’Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O’Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019
727 pilot: “Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?”
Controller: “Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.”