😂😂😂😂😂

http://www.hilal.gov.pk/index.php/hilal-urdu/item/2886-2017-07-11-06-02-39

Ahhhh Procedures….. 🤐

0500 hrs…
Guard room of a Naval Base….
A Navy pilot passes by a truck…. In the truck is a platoon of Navy commandos, going for an exercise…. They are in full battle gear, with equipment and weapons….

0600 hrs….
Guard room of the same Naval Base….
On his return, the same pilot passes by, and the truck is still there…..

He stops and asks them, “You have not departed yet.. Any problems with the truck..?”

They reply, “We are waiting for the gunman…”

 

😂😂😂

[Procedure: No vehicle can depart guard room without a gunman…..]

 

 

Aviation clichés…

  • Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
  • Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.
  • Fly it until the last piece stops moving.
  • The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
  • If you’re ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don’t like what you see, turn ’em back off.
  • Standard checklist philosophy requires that pilots read to each other the actions they perform every flight, and recite from memory those they need every three years.
  • Experience is the knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.(The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary, 1911)
  • Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.
  • No one has ever collided with the sky.
  • One peek is worth a thousand instrument cross-checks.
  • If it’s red or dusty don’t touch it.
  • An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi.
  • If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
  • Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
  • Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man…. Landing is the first!
  • Every one already knows the definition of a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a ‘great landing.’ It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.
  • Definition of ‘pilot’: The first one to arrive at the scene of an aircraft accident.
  • The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
  • If you’ve got time to spare, go by air.(More time yet? Go by jet.)
  • IFR: I Follow Roads.
  • There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots.
  • Fighter pilots make movies. Bomber pilots make history.
  • A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down – all of them trying to become random in motion.
  • The owner’s guide that comes with a $500 refrigerator makes more sense than the one that comes with a $50 million airliner.
  • If it doesn’t work, rename it. If that doesn’t help, the new name isn’t long enough.
  • The future in aviation is the next 30 seconds. Long term planning is an hour and a half.
  • Life is lead points and habit patterns.
  • You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  • If God had meant for men to fly he would have made their bones hollow and not their heads.
  • To err is human, to forgive is divine; neither of which is Air Force policy.
  • The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
  • You can always depend on twin engine aircraft. When the first engine quits the second will surely fly you to the scene of an accident.
  • A mechanics favorite: It’s not a leak, its a seep.
  • If it’s ugly, it’s British; if it’s weird, it’s French; and if it’s ugly and weird, it’s Russian.
  • There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  • It’s a good landing as long as you can get the doors open.
  • Flying at night is the same as flying in the day, except you can’t see.
  • It at first you don’t succeed, well, so much for skydiving.
  • It is said that two wrongs do not make a right, but two wrights do make an aeroplane.
  • When starting an aviation career it is not unusual to be overwhelmed, terrified, suffer from lack of confidence and be just plain scared. As experience grows, self confidence replaces fear . . . but after a time, when you think you have seen it all, you realize your initial reactions to flying were correct.
  • A captain with little confidence in his crew usually has little in himself.
  • The sharpest captains are the easiest to work with.
  • Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
  • Everything in the company manual – policy, warnings, instructions, the works – can be summed up to read, ‘Captain it’s your baby.’
  • As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will be:
    a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.
    b. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight.
  • It is always better to have C sub “t” greater than C sub “d”. Or more plainly, thrust should exceed drag.
  • Definition of a Goonie Bird pilot: A man with an interest in aviation but a basic fear of flying.
  • Unofficial grading standards for low level navigation:You can’t be lost if you don’t care where you are.
  • It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
  • The average pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don’t involve anyone else.
  • Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac helicopter, even if this is technically a form of flying.
  • If God had wanted me to fly, he would have made me flush riveted.
  • Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.
  • Any comment about how well things are going is an absolute guarantee of trouble.
  • A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.
  • A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It’s worse.
  • Below 20, boys are too rash for flying; above 25, they are too prudent.
  • Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid form.
  • I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richtor scale.
  • Most airline food tastes like warmed-over chicken because that’s what it is.
  • I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep.
  • Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong, then one pilot gets all the blame.
  • Let’s make a 360 and get the hell out of here!?!
  • The RF-4E Phantom – living proof that if you put enough engine on something . . . even a brick could fly.
  • The three biggest lies in Army aviation: 1. You’re the only crew-member available. 2. Don’t ask me; I’m not the regular crewchief. 3. Wait right here, Sir. The crew bus is on it’s way.
  • Keep the shiny side up and the greasy side down.
  • Don’t forget to keep the blue side up.
  • Some pilots will make an emergency out of a bad magneto check. Others, upon losing a wing, will ask for a lower altitude.
  • Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it.
  • The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the ‘down’ position.
  • Keep looking around; there’s always something you’ve missed.
  • Never trust a fuel gauge.
  • Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
  • Flight Instructor Favourites:
    • You don’t know what you don’t know.
    • Much of what you think you know is incorrect.
    • Together, we must find out why you don’t know what you don’t know.
    • It is practice of the right kind that makes perfect.
    • You will never do well if you stop doing better.
    • A student’s performance is not so much a reflection on the student, as it is on the instructor’s ability to teach.
    • Learning is not a straight line up… let the teacher set the standards of performance.
    • Much of learning to fly is to unlearn preconceptions and habits.
    • The way you are first taught and learn a procedure is the way you will react in an emergency.
    • It’s important to learn right the first time.
    • If you must make a mistake, make it a new one.
    • One problem is a problem, two problems are a hazard; three problems create accidents.
    • We progress through repeated success; we learn through our mistakes.
    • An instructors knowledge is proportional to the mistakes he’s made.
    • Good habits deteriorate over time.
    • Accidents happen when you run out of experience.
    • Our failures teach us. If you want to increase your chances of success double your failure rate.
    • You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
    • Flying, like life, is full of precluded possibilities. Can’t do… won’t do… shouldn’t do…

 

 

[Source: http://www.pilotfriend.com/humour/jokes/cliches.htm ]

Darwin Awards… 😂😂

You all know about the Darwin Awards – It’s an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

In 1996 the winner was an Air Force sergeant who attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.

And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles — one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry’s boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun — figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend — and went back to the floating lawn chair.

He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry’s plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his backyard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.

Things didn’t quite work out that way.

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn’t float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn’t level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he levelled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn’t risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult manoeuvre was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, “A man can’t just sit around..!”

 

Link: http://www.ejectorseats.co.uk/humour.html

Some Air Traffic Control Conversations… 😜

ATC: “N123YZ, say altitude.”
N123YZ: “ALTITUDE!”
ATC: “N123YZ, say airspeed.”
N123YZ: “AIRSPEED!”
ATC: “N123YZ, say cancel IFR.”
N123YZ: “Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated


A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: “Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?”
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet.”
D5: “Same position, same altitude.”
ATC (cool, dry voice): “So should I go get my collision report form?”


Tower: “Aircraft on final, go around, there’s an aircraft on the runway!”
Pilot Trainee: “Roger” (pilot continues approach)
Tower: “Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!”!
Pilot Trainee: “Roger”
The trainee doesn’t react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.


Tower: “Mission 123, do you have problems?”
Pilot: “I think, I have lost my compass.”
Tower: “Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!”


Controller: “CRX600, are you on course to SUL?”
Pilot: “More or less.”
Controller: “So proceed a little bit more to SUL.”


Pilot: “Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.”
Tower: “KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.”
Pilot: “Please confirm: two hours delay?”
Tower: “Affirmative.”
Pilot: “In that case, cancel the good morning!”


A motor-glider being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.
Control: You’re unreadable, say again.
Us: I’ve turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g pause


Unknown Aircraft: “I’m too bored!”.
Air Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!”
Unknown Aircraft: “I said I was bored, not stupid!”


Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”


Pilot: “Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000′ and 40 DME.”
Approach: “Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000′.”
Pilot: “Approach, 202’s unable that descent rate.”
Approach: “What’s the matter 202? Don’t you have speed brakes?”
Pilot: “Yup. But they’re for my mistakes. Not yours.”


Tower: “…and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centre-line on that approach.”
Speedbird: “That’s correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right”


Controller: “USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Centre 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: “USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60!”
(pause)
Controller: “USA353 you’re just like my wife you never listen!”
Pilot: “Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you’d get a better response!”


Pilot: “Approach, Federated 303’s with at 8000′ for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: “Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service.”
Pilot: “We’ll take the VOR then.”
Approach: “Sir, the VOR’s in alarm right now. Standby.”
Pilot: “OK, guess it’ll have to be the ADF then.”
Approach: “303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation.”
Pilot: “OK, approach. State my intentions.”


Controller: “FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?”
Pilot: “A340 of course!”
Controller: “Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?”


Questions via the radio should not always be answered exactly.
Tower: Aircraft in holding pattern, say fuel state?
Aircraft: Fuel state
Tower: Say again?
Aircraft: Again….
After this the tower controller switches off his radio and climbs down the stairs to drink coffee the rest of the afternoon.


It seems that it was a very busy day and a “good ol’ boy” American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this…

Tower: “AF1733, You’re on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.”

AF1733: “Rog-O, Frankfurt. We’re bringin’ this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya.”

Tower (a few minutes later): “AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.”

AF1733: “AF thirty-three reinin’ this here bird back further to 110 knots”

Tower: “AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots”

AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): “Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!”

Tower (without the slightest hesitation): “No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.”


Heard from the radio at EFHK (Helsinki, Finland)

A MD-80 was holding short of runway 22 during the rush-hour.
Tower: “XXX123, are you ready for immediate?`”
XXX123: “Affirm.”
Tower: “XXX123, roger, cleared for IMMEDIATE takeoff runway 22, wind XXX at XX.”
XXX123: “cleared for immediate 22.”

So the MD-80 taxies to a position and stops…

Tower: “XXX123, you’re going or not??”
XXX123: “Yes yes, we’re going in a moment.”
Tower: “If you would had rear-view mirrors in that plane of yours, you would’ve taken off five minutes ago!”


ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked – all are working


Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR


Tower: 95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
Tower: 95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
Tower: 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read “Elevation 675 feet” on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.
Tower: 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.


7MA: Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers.
HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing.
7MA: We’re a Cessna 182.
HYA: Negative, say type landing.
7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform.
HYA: 7MA, I say again, say type landing.
7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope.


Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh… approach, we’re a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!


Korean Air 1234 : “Please say runway and brake situation”.
Auckland Tower : “Previously landed Beech twin prop reported half an inch of standing water on runway, no report on braking effectiveness as brakes not required”.
Korean Air 1234 : “Ehhh… Say again…”.
Auckland Tower : “Previously landed aircraft says did not need to use brakes, ten to fifteen millimetre deep water on runway”.
Korean Air 1234 : “Ah ! Thank you !”.


O’Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O’Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.


ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019


727 pilot: “Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?”
Controller: “Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.”

 

 

Link: http://www.pilotfriend.com/humour/jokes/twr.htm